First of all, I want to thank everyone who voted for me! Once again, for the sixth year running, I’ve won the Down Beat Readers’ Poll in the “Best Musician In His Price Range” category! I couldn’t be more proud than if I had great paying work! Here’s to 2013….
Now, a list of:
THINGS I’VE LEARNED IN LIFE
1. Never address a police officer as “sport”
2. White men (speaking as one myself) should never, ever (a) wear baseball hats backwards (and, incidentally, unless you’re in a softball team, have skin cancer, or are under six years old, it’s probably a bad idea to wear them forwards, too) (b) do the “fist-bump” (or any other kind of “soul” greeting) and (c) dance to any kind of music (especially at weddings)
3. If you hang out, on purpose, at a “Chuck-E-Cheese” restaurant by yourself and you’re over 18, you will eventually be arrested.
4. You should never take your shirt off at the opera.
5. A hospital emergency room is probably not the best place to break out that jar of marinated herring you’ve been longing to try.
6. While most dogs like to be petted, they do not like to be shaved (the same rule applies to my friend Chuck Redd)
7. The term “drive-through window” should not be taken literally.
8. Despite the many times you try to casually work it into your conversations, the word “Nipples” will never be accepted as an appropriate nickname by your wife.
9. When one wants to express one’s overall delight to the guy in the next seat while exiting a funny movie or play, the proper expression is NOT: “I laughed so hard, I think I just shat in your pants!”
10. Important business meetings should not be interrupted by a “spontaneous” performance of “KP’s Puppet Theatre”.