Author Archives: Ken

A Couple Of Things

First of all, I want to thank everyone who voted for me! Once again, for the sixth year running, I’ve won the Down Beat Readers’ Poll in the “Best Musician In His Price Range” category! I couldn’t be more proud than if I had great paying work! Here’s to 2013….

Now, a list of:

THINGS I’VE LEARNED IN LIFE

1. Never address a police officer as “sport”

2. White men (speaking as one myself) should never, ever (a) wear baseball hats backwards (and, incidentally, unless you’re in a softball team, have skin cancer, or are under six years old, it’s probably a bad idea to wear them forwards, too) (b) do the “fist-bump” (or any other kind of “soul” greeting) and (c) dance to any kind of music (especially at weddings)

3. If you hang out, on purpose, at a “Chuck-E-Cheese” restaurant by yourself and you’re over 18, you will eventually be arrested.

4. You should never take your shirt off at the opera.

5. A hospital emergency room is probably not the best place to break out that jar of marinated herring you’ve been longing to try.

6. While most dogs like to be petted, they do not like to be shaved (the same rule applies to my friend Chuck Redd)

7. The term “drive-through window” should not be taken literally.

8. Despite the many times you try to casually work it into your conversations, the word “Nipples” will never be accepted as an appropriate nickname by your wife.

9.  When one wants to express one’s overall delight to the guy in the next seat while exiting a funny movie or play, the proper expression is NOT: “I laughed so hard, I think I just shat in your pants!”

10. Important business meetings should not be interrupted by a “spontaneous” performance of “KP’s Puppet Theatre”.

Band Names You’re Free To Use

(This is an update from something I put up on Facebook way back when)

OK, here’s how you use this: these are all good band names that are up for grabs – if you want to test them out, simply say the following out loud: “Hi, we’re ( insert band name here); thanks and goodnight!”

“David Bowie & The Spiders From Cleveland”

“The Flying Testicle”

“Ibrahim & The Discounts”

“The Gaping Wounds”

“Jeb Bush & The Fabulous Voting Machines (Formerly the ‘Flying Chads’)”

“Three Girls & A Credit Card”

“Jesus Christ Superstore”

“Pat O’Butter & The Loafs”

“Suspicious Blister”

FOR THAT PSYCHEDELIC BAND:

“The Ungrateful Dead”

“The Stabbing Paynes”

“The Brainless Wonders”

GOOD BOY BAND NAME:

“The  Five Improbable Straight Guys” – or, simply “The Five Improbables”

SOME METAL BANDS:

“Beelzebub’s Son-In-Laws”

“The Jazz Disasters”

“Satan’s Accountants”

“The Deviants” (formerly known as “The Five Gentlemen”)

AND, FINALLY, FOR THAT HIP-HOP/RAP GROUP:

“”Half-A-Nitwit (Featuring DJ ‘Rabbi’ Benjamin Franklin)”

 

 

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Facebook Fatigue and a Few Other Thoughts

Is anyone else getting just a little overwhelmed with the whole Facebook/Twitter thing, or is it just me (that’s rhetorical – we’re not on Facebook right now, so you don’t have to really answer it, or, even worse, press the “like” button)? We spend so much of our time posting things about ourselves, or watching the endless parade of other people’s posts, or watching for people’s posts about us, it seems like there’s no time left to – well…live! In the last few weeks alone, I’ve seen people congratulating themselves for the following things: finishing a book; cooking a meal successfully; taking a vacation; and, well, working like everyone else. Have we nothing better to do as a society than to post photos of our restaurant meals – it’s like being trapped in a room watching a succession of holiday family snapshots, except you have to press a button every time to say you “liked” it, or, God forbid, everyone will stop “liking” your mind-numbing self -obsessed, self-reflective posts. When you’re a baby, of course you’re congratulated for your first bowel movement, but does everyone need assurance for everything once they move past that level*? This may be one reason America is in so much trouble – we’ve become a nation of infants,  burying our heads in our toys and gadgets, hoping that the endless babble of the “net” will drown out our real problems. And with that, I have to go check and see if I have any new messages….

*(Guilty, your honor! But that’s probably why I stand on a stage for a living waiting for applause….)